Log in

15 January 2011 @ 05:40 pm
Mugi Waitress 1/7 PVC - May release.
Moe Mio 1/7 PVC - Jan. release.
Boy's Jam 2,4,5,6
Miku music box
Miku Pullip - April release.

I gotta like.. actually add shit to this and keep track of it...
Current Mood: deviousheh.
Current Music: Vocaloid WHY
05 December 2009 @ 08:45 pm

Dream journal of sorts. Probably no one will care but it's there. It's where all the crazy will go♥

I'll try to write them down in mornings as I have them so I don't lose any details♥
20 November 2009 @ 09:07 pm




SO. This morning started of tired. But I'm always tired, so that's fine. Was with Coral at the Twilight Premiere last night, where it was a lot more tame than I thought it'd be, and enjoyable other than the lady rattling my seat half the time. Which is just rude :U I almost told her I had a back condition and to please not harrass me because my spine was cementing together. I wish I remember what that's called though. Mick Mars has is. Something with the word 'lose' in it I remember.

Anyhow. Getting ride to school from Coral. Cool beans, everything is alright. Go to dunks, get a bagel, it's raining la di da. Wonderful mood, talking about nonsense and whatnot. Get to homeroom. Get sent to office. Get DETENTION. Can't get it waived. Bullshit. Go back to science. Feel like crying and murdering at the same time. Mr.Tarpinian asks whats wrong, and I explain myself that I think it's hardly fair to get a detention and not be able to get it waived, as it's my first unexcused tardy in my 4 years there. He looks at the slip and laughs a little. The time on it is 8:01, so technically I missed the bell by seconds he says. Probably 60 or 90. Then I find out that if you SKIP school you get no repercussions. Guess who's sitting around waiting until buses next time she's late? Shane offered to let me sit in his car if it happens, I dunno if he was serious, but either way it's a wonderful gesture.

Then Math was hell. OH and I want to bomb graphics :U But that is completely off topic. Just that most of them are greedy burkes :U And thier teacher seems to think that I am an asshole and a delinquent.

Anyhow, math was how it always is, only with more yelling because Jake Darcy and Mike were being brats.

Then I got to go home. Yayyyy. Bus was crowded with loud people because of.. Salem's powder puff? I have no clue. Don't care either haha.

Then I've got to get to work. 3-7 shift and I can't even get there until 4. The bus gets to my house at 3. Whether I walk or get a ride it'd still take the same(for stepfather to get home). I've told Marco that I can't get there at 3 and he says O.K. and puts me on each Friday for 3.

Oh yes and no one there believed I had swine flu. I had to get a damned doctors not for WORK. Because I would lie about swine flu.

Hhhh so then limpy little Mexican man comes in(it's fine until he shows up, usually is) And so he takes me off of drive through at the last half hour of my shift and has me doing miscellaneous things. I ask him if I'm counting my drawer. He says probably. I tell him I'm leaving at 7(he never keeps track, or cares >B| also this is at 6:50) He tells me okay, and asks if I can stay later. I tell him no. I've got things to do. So at 7 he makes me clean the dining room. Which is disastrous. There is spills and food and random garbage everywhere. I'm there until 7:30 anyhow. I've got COLLEGE applications to fill out, and ESSAYS to write and WORK to do that does not revolve around him. He does this to EVERYONE who works there, among plenty of other maddening acts of ignorance. The world revolves around Marco. I bet HE'D get pissed if he had to wait in a car for half an hour outside his child's work waiting for them to be done with the bullshit last minute WHATEVER they've been forced into.

Now I don't care about doing work. And I've been dealing with all this bullocks since I started LAST November. I need a job, I want a job, and I'm wiling to do work. I am NOT willing to put up with this kind of behavior. I'm scheduled to leave at 7, so if you want me to do something before I leave. Then fugging TELL me before I'm set to get off shift!

I'd have quit by now if I didn't want and need this job and realize how lucky I am to HAVE a job in this economy, even. Anywhere else I've applied has not given a care. Except for one place, which has workers moving at the end of the year.

Then as I'm leaving Marco asks me. "Oh who was that guy? Was that your dad?" Because I had gone to tell Josh that I would be much later than I was supposed to; he was waitingo utside to pick me up.

"No, that's my stepfather. I don't see my dad anymore."
"What? Why not?"
"Because he's gone through divorce, hardly has a place to live, and I work all weekends; which is when I used to visit him if you recall."

And then I left. I'm not even sure how I feel about my father right now. But it's ridiculous that.. Just everything. Everything is ridiculous. Half the time I feel like I'm losing or have lost my mind. The things that keep me sane are things that people would say I'm crazy for.

I'm overwhelmed and stressed over college and life and parents and everything and no one else has a care to spare towards another human being. "Oh cool you're unhappy? WELL I BET THAT I AM UNHAPPIER THAN YOU." Everything is just a contest to out-do another and to get into the spotlight. Whatever happened to compassion? What ever happened to actually giving a shit about another human being? Whatever happened to loving someone? I don't mean about pregnant teenagers or even romance. I mean even as just a human-connection kind of love. A genuine care about someone, with no strings attached. I love Matthew Holm, and Emma Wyre. I have known them for at least 4 years now, and I genuinely care about them and feel bad when they feel bad. I'm not attracted to either of them(Even if Matty is quite dashing and Emma is adorable♥). But I still love them both. Because we're there for each other.It's really hard to connect like that with anyone anymore.

I hardly ever get crushes on people anymore. I've become that detached. I'm actually crushing on somebody for the first time in like 2 years :U It's ridiculous.

Ugh... uh. Also people are way to judgmental. I don't care if you're a transgendered-racist-queer. You're still a human and people shouldn't judge too heavily on appearance or even preferences like that. You don't have to support any of it, but you can still function and get along with others. You can disagree and still LIVE fine and care about one another. A person's choices are their own and if they've got nothing to do with you than what should you care? Then again I suppose this is my own frustration and opinion that not many seem so share; so who cares if you disagree? I'll still be your friend.

A perfect example of this is the fact that I pretty much hate Twilight. I don't like the author, and I don't think that she can write, and I think that the characters she focuses on are bland, 2D and idiots :U But that doesn't mean I go around forcing others to hate it. I've got friends who love it, and it's cool that they love it. I'm not going to go spirit-crushing like some jackass just because -I- think I'm so important that my opinion should reign supreme. Yeah I'll make fun of it and bash it a bit but it's nothing serious, and I always tell people that after. Like poor Christopher who pranced over and hugged me at the New Moon premier last night. He's a really darling boy and adores the series, so it's nice that he's got something to be so involved in.

Hey I can't even remember where I was going with this anymore. So I guess that means that I've either forgotten the rest or I'm done. Yeah.
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: This is my rifle - Combichrist
24 October 2009 @ 09:51 pm
Oh man today was just so terrible... It started off nice. I got my room cleaned, got my computer pretty organized. I rped and talked to Matty and Emma, too.

Then I had to go to work and work with Marco and it was just hell. Then again it kind of always is oh well. After hell I come home and check my messages and play with my miceee they're so cuteeee. Look at my Johari/Nohari; they read -

Matt thinks: caring, intelligent, friendly, accepting, mature.

Starch thinks: glum, insecure, needy, brash, chaotic, loud.
anon thinks: aloof, simple, irresponsible, vulgar, unethical.

Durhurr.... Two people filled out the negatives, and only one filled out the positives, and one of the negatives is anonymous, even OTL I know that I'm depressing, insecure, needy a good amount of the time, a brat, and can be loud... But am I really stupid, irresponsible, vulgar and unethical? I really hope that's not the way I seem to others...

Matty is so nice to me though :c I feel bad that a lot of people don't appreciate him the way that they should, and that they treat him as badly as they do...

Right now I'm kind of just feeling depressed...

I guess I had a lot more to write before now too. My mind kinda went blank though I guess...

Current Mood: distresseddistressed
Current Music: On with the Show - Mötley Crüe
19 October 2009 @ 10:15 pm
I was gonna write a journal

But I'm going to post this instead

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Matt and Kim - Daylight
05 October 2009 @ 10:58 pm
Even if it fulfills some sort of sadistic gap in my soul I don't really see why I should instinctually seek out people like that. I mean yeah I feel like she copies me. Ohwell :U I don't care so long as she doesn't rip my characters off anymore.

It's not as bad as Dylan talking shit behind everyone's backs and trying to make everyone hate each other and also simultaniously become the center of attention. And then taking wonderful things and murdering them for me. I'm sorry but your personality annoys me. You take things like start wearing purple and make them unenjoyable any longer. You take things that other people say and steal them.

I see no reason to hide shit anymore so whatever. I know you're on my lj friends so you'll see this maybe, if you care enough about anyone other than yourself to read this. You'll probs show Christina,too, oh wait but that wouldn't make her hate me more, maybe it would. I don't know. I don't care.

I'm too cynical for this anymore. Charades and hiding opinions and feelings. It's stupid. And I'm not going to have posse wars either. I honestly only count a few people as my true friends, so most of the people in school probably secretly hate me anyhow. I'm not going to go saying these are my friends and these are not because that's rude. But in all honesty I don't trust that many people, and sometimes they don't trust me either. So of course I can't trust them.

Now I'm rambling.

Whatever I guess I'm done with this.

You probably won't talk to me at the bus stop tomorrow. Or maybe you will, and you'll read this when you get home instead.

Maybe you'll never see it. Who knows.

You should really stop being so conceited. No one really cares.
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
Current Music: Stupify - Disturbed
03 October 2009 @ 12:29 pm
My night table and my desk are clean now, and the laundry is mostly done, so my room is mostly clean.

I'm surprised I got this far since I've been laying on my bed doing nothing/talking to Emma since I signed in...

I've noticed that the statuses on all my entries one way or another is just another way of saying 'shitty' in a slightly varied way.


everything always gets misinterpreted and blown out of proportion. It wasn't even a big deal in the first place.
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
02 October 2009 @ 09:35 pm
I feel really shitty right now.

Matty isn't on so I can't talk to him, and writing on LJ is about as effective as writing on DA/FB/Twitter

And Emma's having a bad week so I don't want to bother her to much.

That's okay we can move to awesome island and eat mancakes all day and screech terrible things  and scribble all over the trees.

Osm island only has osm things. No unosm things allowed.

I want to use Kolya. I think I'm going to pair him with HV, who I thought of a name for, but now can't remember it. I'll make HV a ukranian gypsy or something. I should write some more stories.

I don't think I'll ever finish learning German. I'd rather learn Russian than German. I like Russians more. But I want to learn Polish after Swedish anyhow, if I have any hope of moving to Europe. If not I might learn Japanese instead because it's more useful. But I really like how Swedish and Polish sound, anyway. And Russian is written nicely.

The worst part about feeling upset is feeling ill. By far.

I think I might get books on the russian side of WWII, since I wanted to anyway. Or something about scandinavian history. Idk. Germany just isn't as interesting as I thought I guess. Maybe it's that it gets so much positive attention these days or something.

Obscure things are always better and not that many people think about the scandinavian countries, and not that many people like russia.

I want to learn more about Armenia too.

I slaved my ass off over my portfolio; I hope it goes well.

I probably won't buy beads. I don't know. It's expensive to start new hobbies.

I wish I knew where my hemp shit and now my beads too went. I'll probably find them tomorrow.

I'll shut up now.

Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: The Safety Dance
30 September 2009 @ 09:35 pm
I don't like how everything is getting so strict and...LAME. Since when is art 70% about research and PAPER WRITING. Every piece we do we have to gather around like children. Listen about the project for a good half of the day, have occasional meetings also throughout the day. We have to RESEARCH what we're doing write a PAPER on it, pick two artists, write about THEM. Do the project to CASTNER'S standard. Fuck that I just go as mom B. Then write ANOTHER paper. A reflection this time.

I can perfectly understand research and writing but...to that extent? I mean. What the hell. Seriously? Also REQUIRED homework in ALL shops now. And shops getting graded like ACEDEMIC classes. It makes no sense.

And it's annoying that Castner tries to make everything... SOFT. If I won tell me I won, if I lost tell me I lost, I need to get better and improve. Don't take a close race and tell me it's a TIE. It was NOT a tie because B told me so. Be told me I won. It was close, and I was going to incorporate the other idea also, because hell; it was a good idea, but it did not TIE with me.

I think that everyone can do art, but not everyone is an artist.

I think that Shane is the only true artist in our shop. I think that Annie is an artist. I think that being an artist is a state of mind. It's not only what you put onto the paper, but what's BEHIND that, also. I don't consider myself an artist. I'm hopeful that some day I will though...

I don't like that we have to turn our sketchpads in to be looked at by the teachers.... Hmmm... mine is of... questionable content of various kinds. All Jake draws is people, animals, trees, ANYTHING getting high, or strange disturbing shit that's kinda poorly drawn but still fucked up if you think about it. Shane's has a whole bunch of penises in it. .... Spelling out various words, his favorite being 'squirt'. I think Wanza's will be fine. Angie's have a lot of COPIED, TRACED, and STOLEN images in them. Or just porn.

Coral says fucked up things happen over my house. She said that when she slept over she had screwed up dreams and saw shit/heard shit too. That's unusual for my house :c I didn't mention anything to her before she told me those things either.

The crawlspace hasn't made noise in a while.

I'm happy for that.

I wish I could draw the way I see in my head. Or the way I think that would be too cool.

More practice I guess.

I've decided that after weeding through my relatives I am pretty much 4 quarters ethnic.

I am Polish, Swedish, Irish, and Either French, or French Canadian.

I'm also a little bit two parts different native American. But it's small. I am probably not spanish. If I am it can't be proven so it doesn't count. I am not German. The last name Melin; my mother's side grandmother's maiden name is of SWEDISH origin. She mentioned that it may be Prussian at some point a few months ago because it comes up most often. Apparently she meant it as an ALSO not an IS. Because the origin of it was the Swedish Melïn; with the old Swedish umlaut over the i(not done in modern swedish), rather than Mellin, as is found(as one source) here.

My Grandfather(farfar) is VERY Polish, my Grandmother(farmor) is entirely French or French Canadian. I always thought it was both, but apparently it's one? I'm unsure which yet.

My Grandfather(morfar) is English and Cherokee[(I don't count english, it's almost a given)I belive], my Grandmother(mormor) is SWEDISH. And Irish. That entire half of the FAMILY(which we don't rly speak to BEE TEE DUBYA) is like HOLYFUCKYAYWE'RESWEDESYAY. I can't talk. I'm proud too. But holy shit they force it. And She is also Irish. Our family has a crest.


It's cool, I know.

Anyway. It's 10 and I should be sleeping instead of rambling to myself :U hahaha I kind of wish I was German though. But I'm proud of what I am anyway. Being German isn't that important  :V; Then again I wouldn't complain if I was Russian either hahaha OTL Or ARMENIAN. I mean... how COOL is THAT???
Current Location: MY BED
Current Mood: pensivepensive
Current Music: Start Wearing Purple - Gogol Bordello
29 September 2009 @ 06:49 pm
So I found out that my bio teacher is Armenian and French. But mostly Armenian. I think that's pretty cool. He's also the best teacher ever.

I got a 65 on Mullen's oral presentation. Whatevs. Everyone said I did better than that, and I can understand getting 2 points on eye-contact, I probably should have gotten 1 point on eye contact. I just don't  make it. It makes me uneasy. But a lot of the other criteria I think I should have gotten at least 4s.

Oh well.

I feel like I could happily rot in wristcutter/suicide hell right now. It's like real life, only a little worse. But my parents wouldn't be there. It might be nice...

I like how when I have to go to work and not eat dinner, everyone at home will save their dishes for me to was for them.

I've not done a private journal since the one I accidentally posted publicly. I guess it's pointless to do them anyway because what does it matter, right?

I wish my parents would leave me alone or HELP me or SOMETHING.

I need to head to a hardware store. I want to get some Morning Glory seeds.... the blue kind. I want to try and make some LSA with cold water filtration method. Fuck that alcohol filtration and all that shit. What's the point in keeping it natural if you're just going to add volatile chemicals to it anyhow?

I was going to clean my room today,  but I watched Wristcutters instead. It's kind of an inspiring movie.

I'm just feeling really drained right now I guess...

I can't wait to move out. Get out of this negative energy.

I hate my job too. I want to apply to Jaho A.S.A.P. so I can getthefuck out of Taco Bell. Satu keeps fucking GLARING at me. Fucking hell what did I DO to her? Lazy bitch. We all do all the work SHE should be doing. while she sits there and eats. Damaris scares me. Marco... don't even get me started. And as for co-workers. I want to MURDER Kieth because he is STUPID, an ASSHOLE, and NOT. FUNNY. Maggie is a jerk.

Jason is a cool manager, makes fun of everyone but it's alright because he makes fun of EVERYONE. and he can take it if you make fun of him. Marquis is cool. Chaz is cool, Irlene is cool as well, we're bros and all that. Francis is a good kid.

It's just....the first group, and the general public. I don't like them.

School... Glen is the best teacher ever. Mullen... I don't know. I don't think she's fair. DeSantis is suddenly a bitch. Twombly is running Gardela's class so it's like I have her anyhow. Bob. I just noticed he has 4 fingers on one hand today... It's natural... Hmmm took me 4 years to notice, he's cool though.

I get along with Shane and Wanza in my shop. Shane is really sweet and cares about people and doesn't care what they think. Wanza is really sensitive but that's okay I guess. I just have to be careful sometimes of what I say. Jake is a jerk most of the time, and Angie is fickle.

Has anyone seen Christina???

I like Annie, too. She's also really sweet even though she's strange. She's got tourettes, but she can laugh at her own tick, so it's cool.

Sam is awesome, Peter is a creep but he's toning down. I wish he would stop smoking because he CAN'T handle it. He just gets....STUPID.

Coral is outspoken and kind of vulgar but she's really sweet to people she knows and even if she's unhappy she's happy.

I like a kid at school, too. But he's got a girlfriend. LOL. FIGURES. Oh well. Maybe I'll tell him if they break up. He lives in Boxford though.

I finally won something. The design contest for shop tshirts. Yay. I didn't think I would though.

Mike is prank calling my work over skype right now... Haha... It's acutally cheering me up, but they're hanging up too fast, so now he's gonna do McDonalds or something. :C hhhhhhhh he's really funny.

Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: Mike's Prank Calling, and Gogol Bordello